Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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