we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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