You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
