Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
