....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
