So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
