I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
