do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
