Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
