His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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