Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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