My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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