i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
