Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
