Only a mothe r could love this liver
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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