My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
