i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
