The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
