At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
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