I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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