There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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