God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
