Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
