I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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