well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
