dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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