I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
