I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
