8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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