you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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