it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
