My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
