just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
