Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
