thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
