Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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