Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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