My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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