I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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