yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Randomize
