I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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