God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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