Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
