Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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