I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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