how hairy? two words: wookie tits
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
