I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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