it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
