it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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