fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Found the puke drawer
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
