wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
