My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
