You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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