the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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