he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
being pregnant is like rehab
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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