When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
